What Hurts The Most?

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you had not? Or saying nothing, and wishing you had.

I wish I could tell you how I really feel inside, that I’d be willing to take that chance to be more than just your friend. I know that you know how I feel for you. All this time, I’ve been keeping the whole truth to myself because I’m scared; because saying it might mean you would run away and hide from me. So, I keep these sad thoughts to myself and never let you see the tears I cry and be contented that you let me be just your friend. You walked into my life when my world was dark was cold. If not because of you, I wouldn’t have opened my heart again. Until one fateful day, I couldn’t stop crying because I realized I was falling for you, then you told me that we’re best friends. I never knew you kissed your best friend passionately and held your arms around her. I don’t know much, except here I am again in love with a man I couldn’t call my best friend. I am not sure if this is wrong but then again, I don’t know what’s right. I will love you anyway, even if it’s a lonely fight. I am aware that you only came into my life for a while and time will come that I have to give you up. Then that is the end of it… there goes my life.

Someone once asked me if you do love me. I just closed my eyes and said, “Wishes do come true.” If it’s not you, it will never be you, no matter how much I love you. It’s sad to think that you will never be mine, but it’s sadder to realize that I knew it all from the start. Just when I thought I had the courage to tell you how I truly feel, it was too late because she came. I knew you’re not mine, but holding on to you has kept me alive.

I cry for the memories, I cry for the pain, I cry for the times I thought I had you. I don’t regret any of my feelings nor the times I’ve spent with you cause when I look at you, I see something different that what everyone else can see. Then you kissed me, the world around me melted. When you held me in your arms, I forgot everything but my world that was holding me. I want to be loved but you don’t seem to love me. As my mind kept on wandering, I found one answer… that even I’m scared, even if I’m hurt, I can still say “I love you.” If I cant have you, at least I was able to know I had you until this very moment I’m still trying to pick up those pieces. I'm trying really hard not to cry over you because every tear is just one more reminder that I don’t know how to let you go. When even my smiles can’t cover up my pain, my tears won’t blame you. No matter how I wish, there are many unchangeable things in this world because the fact of my loving you is the truth that no one can change. You are still with me even though you are not by my side.

It’s not when I look back at all the memories and good times we had that make me sad. It when you consider those memories as nothing to you when they meant everything to me. If I can only have you in my dreams, then give me one huger sleeping pill so I can sleep forever. I am still walking down memory lane cause I know I’ll be running into you. And if you choose to walk away, I’d still be right here waiting. I can’t make you love me, want me, or understand me. All I can do is hope that someday you will…