My life in Misery

I’ve been living my life in a lie.

I’ve been keeping skeletons on my closet that only I and my few friends knew. I almost ruined my life. I felt like I haven’t done any good things in my life. My brother found it out, and told me, “SANA KAHIT MINSAN MAGING KUYA KA NAMAN!”

I know how much hatred my brother felt towards me. It’s been months that we are not talking to each other. I’m afraid that time will come, he will blackmail me. Until this day come.

If there might be the best decision I’ve done from the day I fell in love with him… this is when he asked me to be his girl for the third time, and finally I found the courage to say NO!

Half a year since I did not see and hear any news from him, no final talk, no formal break up. He left me just when I needed him the most. If he only knew how much pain it caused, how much tears I shed, sleepless nights that I keep on thinking about him. I’ve been so hopeless to see him wishing that he would come back. But it took six months before I finally had a chance to talk to him and it was all a coincidence. Now that he’s asking me back, give him at least a smallest chance to prove to me that what have he done was wrong, but finally I had the courage to tell him: “What for? I have heard all those lines before; did you keep any of your promises?”

He asked for forgiveness, I told him I did... let destiny bring us back if we are really meant for each other. I’ve lost everything because of him, and I might lose myself if I will let him annoyed me again.

I must admit, I still love him that’s why even how much pain he gave me, how sarcastically he told me that he doesn’t know my worth, still I cannot stop myself to forgive him, because my love for him kills all the anger and bitterness I felt for him.

But I don’t want to give myself false hopes, that this time; he is real… but not this time, not until I had found something new into myself… I want to live my life to the fullest.

I want to be happy. Before, I told myself, “I will be happy if I was with him.” But now, would I still want to be with the person who hurt me so badly? The reason why my conscience is killing me, and the worst, I could not accept to myself that once in my life, I have forgotten to love myself.

I don’t know why these things happen… I am in misery. If only I could turn back time.